It is blowing 50 again, the third 50+ mph blow this month. The power went off this morning. The sea outside my window fumes. The house cracks and creaks. Where is so much air coming from? Whose breath has been taken? Mine. My breath is gone today. And maybe yours as well. A massive collection has been taken, without our permission---and our breath has been stolen. We gasp and sigh with what little we have left. We drag ourselves out of bed, wondering how we'll make it through the day.
No one wants to live this
way. We want to not just be alive, but
to feel alive, with energy, fizz and
joi d’vivre and breath to spare.
What will we do to feel awake
and alive? What won’t we do to feel
awake and alive? Some people bungee jump off bridges. Some climb cliffs without
a harness. Some race motorcycles. Some snort cocaine. Some go to churches with
rock bands, lasers and smoke. I go out
in the skiff in storms, climb mountains, watch eagles, teach. Walter,
a high school chemistry teacher, started cooking meth. Over five TV seasons of
“Breaking Bad” he climbed the corporate drug ladder to the top. In the last
episode, aired this last Sunday, we finally hear from his own (scripted) lips why he did
it: “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it,” he said. “And I was
really, I was alive.”
He says it in past tense, because soon he will
die. By his own hand. And he will kill a bazillion (nasty) people along with
him, deaths we will not mourn.
I write about this today in bed, not feeling
happy or excited or anything, really. I gave it all this week. And then, what
was left, I gave on Sunday. All through
the Sabbath “day of rest” I was awake and full
of song and Scripture and teaching and company and conversation and hugs and
hope …. I took it all in and breathed it all out. And now, the wind blows
outside my windows and I lie listless, hollow.
“And let us not grow weary of
doing good,” the apostle Paul writes.
But I am weary. How can my strength be so small? What
happened to “they that wait upon the Lord shall run and not grow weary?” What
happened to “they shall mount up with wings like eagles?” Or, the verse I
chanted through gritted teeth as I birthed each one of my six kids, “I can do
ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me!!!”
In truth, sometimes Christ weakens me. In truth,
sometimes I can do nothing. In truth, sometimes I feel nothing.
I would worry, but I have lived long enough to
know this. That Life is so varietal and extravagant and miraculous that it
encompasses even the days we hate: the days of boredom, sickness, fatigue and
numbness. This too is living, though we may not like it or choose it. And for some, like the unlucky prophets of
the Old Testament, who were thrown into cisterns for months, locked in public stocks,
chased into years-long exile, most of their lives were days like these. And for
others plagued with chronic illness or debilities, this is their every day.
(Peace and soul-rest to you, suffering friend, who knows so much more about
this than I do. …)
What do we
do, then, when we’ve lost our breath, our strength and even our joy? What do we
do when we’ve given too much away and the world is flat and we are made of
straw?
How do we stay awake and alive?
How do we stay awake and alive?
We do what we're supposed to do. We do what God does.
We rest.
God, the One who Made ALL things, who inexhaustively keeps worlds spinning beneath and above us,
He was not done with the cosmos, with measuring Time until----
until-----he rested.
We rest.
God, the One who Made ALL things, who inexhaustively keeps worlds spinning beneath and above us,
He was not done with the cosmos, with measuring Time until----
until-----he rested.
We need to rest too.
We are but dust, remember?
Dust with God-breath inside,
dust and breath still named very good.
We are but dust, remember?
Dust with God-breath inside,
dust and breath still named very good.
And so, we give ourselves the grace God has already given.
We trust God to run the world without us.
We lie and wait upon the LORD, not ourselves.
We remember and rehearse
What
we have seen,
What
He has already done with us and for us.
We rest in all of that.
If this is the pattern of our lives--serving well
and resting well--
“in due season we will reap, if we do not give up,” the apostle Paul tells us.
“in due season we will reap, if we do not give up,” the apostle Paul tells us.
Do not give up.
Ask others for the help you need.
Hire someone if you must and if you can.
Rest and sleep and breathe deep.
Fill your lungs.
I am doing the same.
Ask others for the help you need.
Hire someone if you must and if you can.
Rest and sleep and breathe deep.
Fill your lungs.
I am doing the same.
Peace, friend.
Strength and joy will come again.
Oh this speaks to me...Breath...I watched my brother peacefully take his last breath...He entered his finally rest...no more struggle...no more pain...but this breath sucking life here continues...a dear friend's son missing for 24 hrs... My niece going through a devastating ( well aren't they all) divorce...and how do we "mid-wife" those who struggle for the next breath...to encourage them to take that cleansing breath...to find that focal point...to hold them until they can find their rest....
ReplyDeleteMay you find a deep abiding rest...Him filling those empty places ...may he bring deep refreshment to your soul!!!!
Thank you Ro. Yes, needing that today (again.) Why do we wear out so?? But we do. And that is not the final word---until we take the final breath. So--- asking God to give you the rest you need to shepherd others, and waiting for strength to return here . .... (Thank you, friend)
DeleteLeslie, your tranparency and gorgeous words are holy balm! Thank you! I often feel worn and breathless though I have no doubt Todd and I are carrying out God's command to care for the orphans. I am learning to rely on God for enough breath for the moment and no more--just like manna. How profound the verse "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." So thankful you are resting I'm Him. I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteHeather----yes, we have to make sure we know it's okay to rest. I do just overdo it--and then pay the price. I wish I could pace myself, but you know how it is---so many needs!! Praying for you as well, Heather, as you walk out God's will and love each day.
DeleteI was holding my breath Leslie - waiting for the words of rest. I wear out so quickly in this sixth decade of life. It is the real giving away of ourselves that leaves us feeling so small. I am so thankful the Father offers us His rest.
ReplyDeleteI pray you find refreshment and filling in that test.
Linda----you're so right. It is the spending of the self that both inspires and brings joy--and exhausts. But God will keep filling---if we are wise and keep resting as we need. So--rest well, Linda, in all Christ has already done for you! ALways, Leslie
DeleteI meant rest (oh this cell phone)!
ReplyDeleteThe Lord never said that we couldn't take a break!
ReplyDeleteI spent 2 1/2 years as a caregiver for my father, my brother , and my mother, all of whom I loved and adored, and was with them when they passed. Sometimes the exhaustion was bad, but you've got to to take these moments and give yourself permission to come to a complete stop. Close your eyes. Breathe. Exhale. Meditate. Pray. Cry. It's okay. You're allowed. Its not a sign of weakness.
Blessed are the weary. For they shall find rest
Mary---oh my. I cannot imagine such servanthood--and the loss of them all. You were definitely God's hands and feet to your family, Mary. Thank you for sharing with us out of your difficult experience.
DeleteBelieve me, I was the one who was Blessed. That I was able to share the time with them...it wasn't always heartbreak. We (my two sisters and I) were able to share so many golden moments with them, and there was a lot of laughter as well as tears. My husband handled the home front, which made it possible for me to be there. It was an honor to share that time with them, and to be there for them when they breathed their last.
DeleteWomen are primed from birth to take care of others, and we take on too much and try to do too much. If its a health crisis, add emotional stress and lack of sleep, and we wear ourselves out. We feel guilty sometimes for taking a moment for ourselves in the midst of all that. We have too, though...its not selfishness, it's sanity. God wants us to grab those moments, so that we can rest and marshall our strength, rebuild the physical and emotional reserves. Its the only way that we can continue the work He wants us to do.
Love your blog and Island of Grace is such an enthralling read!
Mary, such good thoughts. This reminds me of one of my favorite scenes ever ina movie---"Marvin's Room." MEryl Streep and Diane Keaton play estranged sisters. Diane Keaton never married and took care of two family members who were invalides. One morning she spills all her uncle's pills on the floor. Meryl Streep, who has been married several times and lots of affairs thinks of her as an old maid who has never been loved. As they both bend to the floor to pick up the pills, Diane Keaton says, 'I"m so lucky. I've had so much love in my life." Meryl Streep looks at her virgin sister and says, "Yes, I'm sure aunt and uncle love you a lot." She says, "No, I have loved THEM so much!" We forget how much love we receive by loving others!! (Thank you for this reminder!)
Delete"That Life is so varietal and extravagant and miraculous that it encompasses even the days we hate: the days of boredom, sickness, fatigue and numbness. This too is living, though we may not like it or choose it." Loved this! So very true.
ReplyDeletehttp://inthemidstof.wordpress.com/
Thanks Barb! I'm thankful that this is true---otherwise so many days would simply be lost!! Thanks for reading!
DeleteLeslie, your words are perfect. It is what we all need to hear~rest. The world is weary and we need to keep holding each other up. Thanks for being so real.
DeleteDiane---I can't help it . . .Life is too real, you know?? And yes, we are besieged in so many ways. It's pure counter culture to just stop sometimes and rest ... (Thank you).
DeleteThanks for the reminder that it is OK to not always feel lighthearted. A friend prayed for me the other day that God would help me see what He is teaching me in the dark times that I may proclaim them in the light. I too often think of rest as literal and I have so little time for that it seems, but I can give myself a rest from feelings of inadequacy and the inability to do everything I seem to think I ought, and simply rest in the Lord. And take the time to sit with nothing on my plate. Perhaps then I would find energy enough to recognize as you say that the Lord will continue to run the world without me and that I can rest in more ways than one. I am thankful for your insight and willingness to share! God is merciful and offers grace to us, we simply need to accept.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, mercy!! Carey, when I have crashed (as happens every week or two) I just have to lie still and believe He will lift me again, and even if I kept my bed, He would still love me. He's done it all. I hope you DO find moments of rest among so many responsibilities, Carey. Sometimes the rest is simply knowing and believing in all HE has done, and laying down our own efforts, even if for an afternoon. Peace, friend. And hugs!!! Leslie
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