A Letter to the Pope, from the Supreme Council of Publicans and Muskrats

Friends, my weekly blog has been taken over by this letter of protest. I'm referencing the Pope's recently released encyclical on Climate Change, which has been both wildly applauded---and roundly condemned. He presents a compelling theological basis for our need to take care of "our common home." (Synopsis of 5 major points here.)

Yes, this is satire. I'm satirizing some politicians' response to this important and much-needed document. Hold on!

Dear Pope,

I read your cycle thing. (Well, at least the Sparknotes.) Would you, for gosh darn sake, stop making pronouncements about the world and things you know nothing about? Being a Pope, what could you  know about the real world----politics and government and energy and elections and such. And, being a Pope, what could you know about that other world, the one I go to visit with my kids and grandkids on Sunday after church---grass, lakes, nature, science, all that? I know all about both worlds. I’m a Politician, and I grew up in the suburbs with a park just a 10 minute drive from my house. I used to climb trees, for Pete’s sake! And my grandkids still do, and I think it’s great. (And just to let you know, I visited that park last year and do you know there are more trees there than when I was a kid? Global warming, phooey!) 

Here’s what really burns me, Pope, Sir, and I say this with all due respect: you’re not a scientist. For heaven’s sake, would you leave science to the scientists? Now we know the separation of Church and State is ridiculous and dangerous----I’ve been fighting that secularism my whole political life. Removing the 10 Commandments from public buildings and prayer from our schools will destroy the country faster than anything else. But religion and science? Different planets. Yes, God made the world, I’ll grant you that, but it's Science that keeps it going. Science is important. That’s why I have my own scientists, and they tell me whatever I need to know. (Heck, those guys don’t even believe in God! So I know I can trust their Science.) 

I’ve heard about this global warming thing, of course. I got a letter from a woman in Alaska whose family fishes for salmon. She said their waters are the warmest they’ve ever been and it’s affecting the whole ecosystem. I wrote back, “Good for you! A warmer Alaska will melt those freezing igloos and heat up your economy! Is that good news, or what?” And if you think I don’t care about the earth, did you know about the millions I poured into an anti-littering campaign last election?

You keep talking about the planet as a “gift” from God and “our common home,” but may I remind you that a gift belongs not to the giver but to the receiver? God gave it to us, (and He’s the one who put coal and oil in the ground in the first place) and we’re free to live in it and use it just as we choose. God believes in liberty and free choice! That’s what our country was founded on!

 Let’s keep to our proper realms, Pope. You just take care of people’s souls and we’ll take care of their bodies. You give your people spiritual food, and we’ll give them jobs. You give them holy water, we’ll give them cheap energy. You fill their soul, we’ll fill their bank account. THAT’S how you keep people happy, eliminate poverty, and run a free country. (The other countries can figure out their own problems.) 

Sincerely, Prayerfully,

The Council of Publicans and Muskrats


P.S.  If global warming should actually begin to happen sometime in the next century, my scientists and economists tell me it could fuel an unprecedented economic boom for America! Which could be good for the Church, too, if you know what I mean . . .? 

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Will you tell me to stay out of politics like the Pope should stay out of science? I can't. (Nor should any of us . ..)  But most of us, if we go far enough back, believed this, that the world was this divided. I did. Let me cast a stone at myself first. And Thursday, I'll share some gorgeous new photos of this corner of God's earth and sea----and the reason we all must care for the Creation at our feet. Peace and Grace to you!!